this year valentine's day came a bit early for me. to catch you up before i tell the vday story, i have 2 best buddies at work, and when im not there, my heart longs to be with them. especially after finding out that they both aren't going to be with me next fall. :(

for me, joy is knowing that they peek their little heads around that door before coming in and loudly yelling my name, and running over to give me warm hugs. joy is knowing that they miss me when im not there. haha, maybe its a bit selfish, but its the truth!

my favorite memory is hearing them proclaim that the three of us were 'best' buddies, and hearing them say that often to other people. they also draw such wonderful pictures, that i cant help but find blank space in my room and tape up their picures. i have a picture of the best buddies right next to my bed. haha.

anyways, on to the vday story. last week, we started doing valentine's because valentine's day is right around the corner. garrett decided to make his valentines, and started making one for his mom and his dad. the next day, he decided he was going to make one for me. to make a long story short, he began one for me, and it is now stuck on my computer screen. apparently, he made another one for me yesterday when i wasnt at work. i'll get it tomorrow.

yes, not an exciting story, but perhaps tomorrow will be more exciting. i get the valentine tomorrow, and i'll post a picture with it! :) for now, its study time.

urbana in a nutshell:

For the past month or so leading up to Urbana, I had began to feel a passion in my heart to teach overseas. I think that I felt like I need a direction or some sign from God that I was heading towards the right path. It didn’t help that summer plans were quickly approaching my way, and I had no idea how to spend it; whether it was going back to Kenya, summer school, family trips, etc. I felt like I was being pulled in all directions, and spring semester hadn’t even started yet! So I headed off to St. Louis with a prayer that my mind would be opened, and that God, in his powerful way would speak to me.

I ended up setting aside a whole afternoon specifically for the exhibits that were provided having countless conversations with organizations that were so passionate about the work that they were doing. After talking to a specific organization with one of the directors, I felt so encouraged and even a bit hopeful that I was heading towards the right direction of where God wanted me to be. After that conversation, I felt a sense of boldness when I talked to any of the organizations that I was interested in. I told them I was interested in long term missions (meaning at least a year or more), and that I was interested in teaching overseas. However, that night after leaving the exhibits, and having time to rethink and absorb all that went on that afternoon, I became really scared and I wondered what on earth had possessed me to be that bold, and to have seriously even considered being overseas. The more I thought about my bold afternoon, the more scared I became. I think I even began to doubt the passion that was laid upon my heart. That night, I even shared with my family group the thoughts that were going through my head. However, even with all the advice and prayers they offered me, it didn’t calm anything.

I went to bed that night with so many thoughts in my head, and in the morning decided to do quiet times instead of attending bible study. While praying and journaling, I told God that I knew what I wanted to do, but asked Him again, what He wanted me to do. I ended up asking God to show me His answer in such a way that I wouldn’t have been able to deny Him. After my quiet time, I felt peace in knowing that my path has already been laid out, and I have to trust God with the desires He has placed in my heart, and to not doubt. That very afternoon, there was this particular seminar about public school teachers that really caught my eye. However, by the time I got there, the seminar was so jam packed that they made people leave because they said that it was a fire hazard. I ended up wandering into this seminar that was titled “Academic and Missions: Doing Both Well.” I had walked in 30-45 minutes late, but I ended walking into the part where the speaker talked about overseas missions, and how teaching was intertwined, and how being a good teach would be able to touch students more than you could possibly imagine. I left that seminar with a good feeling that in the tiniest way, God showed me that He was still in control, and that all I had to do was trust.

After having time this week to process my thoughts out loud and on paper, I have realized that God has granted exactly what I had prayed for before we left for Urbana; that this, was the clarity that I had asked for. Summer plan worrying has ceased, and in its place, peace has taken over. God is still powerful, and step by step I know that He will continue to reveal His glorious plan for my life.

seek & trust God.

last tuesday night was a good night. it was a time full of just me & God. we spent a good hour in a time of worship and prayer, and at the end of the day its what was needed the most. being reminded daily, and sometimes hourly, to surrender everything over. trust Me. trust Me. it's hard, but it's worth it. trust Me. its been embedded into my mind.

Christ has taken care of the past
He is taking care of the present
trust Him to take care of the future...

there are so many days i wish i was back in kenya. i distinctly remember our first day there. we were told that "americans have watches, but kenyans have time." something along the lines of that. nothing was rushed. every day there, i always so super excited to run outside and do my devotions. the nature and weather there is so beautiful, it makes me catch my breath. i miss those days. its not the same doing it inside..or even outside with houston's humidity.

its sucha joy to be able to experience God's grace and love each day. after watching that korean soap 'full house' it left me with a longing of wanting to experience all of that. but watching it also left me with the realization that even through all the love that was shown throughout the soap, cant even possibly compare to how big God's love is for us. stumbling through days blindly sometimes, its a good thing to remember during days that seem really cloudy.

ive come to another realization (not for the first time, but again and again) that God never disappoints. even when the people close to you seem to disappoint, God never does. and at the end of the day, that's what really matters. =) on another note, planning for a workshop for camp about deepening your relationship with God has brought me to a sharp reality and a trip down memory lane of what my relationship with Him is, and how it got to be the way it is today. im excited to see how God is going to lead us in this workshop, and what we have to offer to the youth who want to be in it. im excited to be used!

i remember those days where one-on-ones used to be sucha burden to do. the older i get, the more i enjoy getting to really know the people that i meet. conversations never seem to get old with anyone. im so excited to rekindle friendships that were formed last summer, and even more so, another attempt at bonding, and to see how God worked in each one of those girl's lives, and how He is going to work in their lives once again.

so bring on camp, because i am pumped!

and im excited about this fall semester! its gonna be a busy one, but i'll save that for another post =)

haveaniceday!

somedays, all you need is a good cry. over absolutely nothing.

what a good looking small group.

i love my small group. =)

<3

each day is a gift.

you know jeremiah 29:11? its such a comforting verse. i dont think i ever get tired of reading it.

"for i know the plans i have declared for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

lately, ive taken to really surrendering myself over to God. something that i struggle with daily. i think about everything that goes on in my life, and i get frightened. life is going by so quickly. my sophomore year of college is coming to a wrap, and here it will be my third year. a year of subsituting, student teaching, and hours upon hours of studying for the state exams. was it a wise choice to tackle on a bilingual degree and not stay generalist? is another semester of school before i graduate really worth it? sometimes i feel like such a little girl. feelings of inadequacy of being unable to handle things that are thrown my way, and at the same time i feel like im ready to take on the world somedays.

i will myself to take each day to the fullest. it sounds so cliche, but its the truth. i really appreciate mary telling us during women's retreat that the days we are given are a gift. so, when i have days that are the worst, and i want it to be over, i tell myself that this day, is a gift. (its like that old childhood song, "this is the day the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it!") after all, it could be worse.

who struggles with singleness? i find myself having to surrender that daily. (i also find myself hesitant to type this, since i dont know who i know, that reads this. if you're a stranger it doesnt really matter.) all in your perfect timing. after all, your timing is perfect right? =) i trust you with this God.

jeremiah 29:11 sums up this post so well. God will never do anything that doesnt make you into the person you are today. all things that happen in your life are there for a purpose, with God looking out for you the entire way. how comforting is that?

after i came back from church, it came as a shock when i heard the news. here i was, enjoying life to the fullest, not even knowing that you were already gone. its been a while since i last talked to you. perhaps it was that last day you sailed out of DHS because you graduated. band was fun. you made band fun because you showed us what it was like to be an upperclassman. you took care of all of us when we first stepped foot in the band hall. i'll miss you. please rest in peace arnold jamir.

each day is a gift. live it right.

heavy heart.

there's something painfully raw and real about life when you're grown up.

you are no longer a child lost in the world of fantasy and imagination. no longer are things healed quickly by a cookie, band-aid, or a kiss. i'm all grown up now (sort of), and sometimes, i wish that i can be hidden in the shelter of my mom and dad's arms. hidden from all the things that they grew up protecting me from.

its weird to go on facebook, and see a friend ive known since elementary school become engaged. or, see the girl that i was good friends with in middle school, married. or, see the guy that i was in geometry with, post his pictures of his newborn baby daughter. these things make me happy, makes me smile.

and while there is happiness around, there's also grief.

i am not one that deals with grief well. then again, who deals with grief well? there might be a few.

it seems like one horrible thing, after another is happening. and i know that there is nothing in my power that i can do, that can change that. and sadly, it makes me feel so very helpless. and ive come to the realization again and again, (and even more so now) that life is so fragile. it goes back to that leann rimes song which says "may you never take one single breath for granted." and really, that's the case here.

it terrifies me that life which can be concieved so easily, can also be taken away in just an instant. it reminds me of just how powerful God is. one to give, and one to take away so easily. to not rely on the things of this world. it reminds me of my grandfather who is 80 something. so healthy, but so convinced that he will be taken away, and he wont be ready. because of this mindset, he pushes everyone who loves him, far away. he sits in the dark day after day, and eats so little. so convinced that he's going to die, that he's actually waiting for it. perhaps its not death that terrifies me, but of the unfinished work that i still have left here on earth. i want to finish what i was brought here to do. i want to know that when i go to heaven, that God will say to me "well done my good and faithful servant. well done."

so going on back to my previous paragraph, i am only human. no supernatural powers. however, one thing does come to mind when i think of just how helpless i am. you know that poem 'footprints'? how God carried us even when we couldn't see? my heart rejoices, and it grieves, and all the while, my savior is carrying me and is with me the entire time.

its a jumble of my thoughts, and might only make sense to myself.

"Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalms 90:12